Symptom:Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste; shirt front wet.
Fault:Mouth not open while drinking, or glass being applied to wrong part of the face.
Remedy:Buy another pint and practise in front of mirror. Continue with as many pints as necessary until drinking technique is perfect.
Symptom:Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste; beer unusually pale and clear.
Fault:Glass empty.
Remedy:Find someone who will buy you another beer.
Symptom:Feet cold and wet.
Fault:Glass being held at incorrect angle.
Remedy:Turn glass the other way up so that the open end is pointing towards the ceiling.
Symptom:Feet warm and wet.
Fault:Loss of self control.
Remedy:Go and stand next to the nearest dog - after a while complain to its owner about its lack of house training and demand a pint in compensation.
Symptom:Bar moving.
Fault:You are being carried out.
Remedy:Find out if you are being taken to another pub - if not, complain loudly that you are being hi-jacked.
Symptom:Bar swaying.
Fault:Air turbulence unusually high, maybe due to darts match in progress.
Remedy:Insert a broom handle down back of jacket.
Symptom:You wake up and you find your bed hard, cold and wet. You cannot see your bedroom walls or ceiling.
Fault:You have spent the night in the gutter.
Remedy:Check your watch to see if it is opening time - if not, treat yourself to a lie-in.
Symptom:Everything has gone dark.
Fault:The pub is closing.